I’m pretty tired, but today was a fun day. I’m gonna do some homework and then relax!
Sorry for being such a bitch.
Wow, you’ve ruined my mood with one message, that’s worth an achievement. Great job.
I figured it would be best if I just forgot about my crush. I hadn’t seen him for two weeks, my feelings faded a little, like always. So I thought, I haven’t heard from him and I’m not sure whether he likes me or not, but he acts like he doesn’t, so I don’t want to take the risk and get hurt. I should just not face him, don’t look at him, I deleted our conversation from my mobile phone etc.
I saw him yesterday for the first time since my operation. I saw him looking at me, because my face is different. I know I shouldn’t pay attention to it, it shouldn’t bother me or cross my mind, but that’s just the effect that he has on me. Why do I even like him, he doesn’t pay attention to me anymore…
I just can’t risk to get hurt.
I feel so happy, that I’m blessed with all these great friends. I love you all so much, you can’t imagine how much you mean to me. I’m happy that you guys are so nice to me and cheer me up when I’m down. I also think it’s amazing that you appreciate it when I try to cheer YOU up, even though I am not that good with words and a little socially awkward. I love you all.
You shot me right in the face with a shotgun.
So nice when your brother tells you that he would like you to die. Please shut up, with your fucking retarded face.
I’m arranging my blog in categories, so it’s easier to see the happy post and the sad etc. but the “sad/angry” post are really dumb, haha. It’s an impulse action and when you read it later it just looks stupid and full with self pity. I’m laughing at myself right now! Especially because I forget the things I was angry about really quick. I’m most of all a happy person so when I’m mad it just looks a bit silly! Oh well, it’s better than keeping everything inside.
I’m a shy girl. It used to be even worse, now I just do the stuff which I am shy about. Like meeting new people. I think, they’re not gonna say in your face that they don’t like you, so what’s the worst that could happen? Maybe I even make new friends.
Or when I need to speak in public. Give a presentation in school or something. Everybody’s looking at you, you’re the main focus of attention. I like attention though, but not when I can stumble over my words. I sweat like a beast, I turn completely red, but somehow, nobody notices!
Or when I’m in a competition. For gymnastics or dancing. I think of all the bad things that could happen. But it never does. I won the first price in gymnastics, my only other real opponent was about the same age, the other girls where way younger. But it was the happiest day in my life.
In all these situations, I get so nervous. My belly has a bees nest in it, I sweat like a beast and I’m walking from one side to another. I repeat in my head what I should say or do, because otherwise I feel like I would forget everything, or say ridiculous stuff. But it always turns out okay. Nothing to worry about, actually.
So my best friend told me that she thought it was weird that I haven’t even made a post about my surgery. I think it’s true. I thought about it too, but I didn’t want to bother any of you or I don’t know, I think it’s just easier to complain about stuff that’s not that big of a deal anyways. You feel bad about it for a little bit, but soon afterwards you don’t even remember. What I’m going through now is bigger, I guess. I don’t really know why I didn’t write anything about my surgery. But I’m going to do it now! So prepare yourself for a really long post. Maybe someone will learn from it, who will go through the same thing in the future.
A week and a half ago I got a surgery to correct my jaw. My lower jaw was placed somewhat to the back and my upper jaw to the front. They did this because my lower jaw was too much to the front and it was really outstanding. I didn’t mind it, but whatever, they thought it was a smart thing to do, also because my jaw could grow even more foreward. So they did that a week and a half ago. I went to the hospital in the morning and I got some sort of sleepy pill. I went a little crazy and drunk from it, I looked really stupid. I also got some anesthetic ointment were the drip was going in, so it wouldn’t hurt. After that I went to this big room were my mom and I waited untill I could go to the operation room. When we went to the or, I saw my doctor and a lot of other surgeons and soon after that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was all panicky and I cried a lot. My mother came and we went back to my room, where my dad was. I felt really bad, I cried a lot that day, threw up blood and held hands with my mom and dad. My mom stayed the night, luckily, because I threw up a couple of times and I didn’t caught any sleep, because of the morphine pump, that bleeped every two hours, so that the nurse could refill it. The next day I got a bottle of vanille-lemon yoghurtdrink or something, because I couldn’t eat normal stuff. I went home that day and in two days I had “eaten” that one bottle of yoghurtdrink. That’s 300 calories, not a lot.
The days after that I drank more of those juice and yoghurtdrinks and especially felt bad about myself. I cried everytime I saw myself in the mirror, because my face was swollen and I looked stupid. I couldn’t see the good things, like my smaller nose and jaw. Even now I can’t really see that I look better, because I still am a little swollen, but I see the good things now and I am happy that I hadn’t had any pain. Because of the anesthesia that’s still in my chin and a part of my lip and along the side of my nose and under my eye, it really itches from time to time. You can’t itch it, because it’s in the nerves, so that doesn’t work. It’s even worse than pain, because you can’t do anything about it. While I’m writing this, it’s itching like hell, arghhh!
The past week a lot of my friends stopped by to come and see me. I had a lot of fun, but everytime someone or they left, I was exhausted. I didn’t do anything but talk, but I was really tired afterwards. I wasn’t used to that I guess and because of the meal substitute drinks, I didn’t get enough energy.
My sleeping rhythm is also very confused, because I was waking up every night at about 3 a.m. with a very itchy face. Then I couldn’t sleep for at least an hour, so that made me feel really miserable. Friday night I finally slept through it, which felt great. I wake up at about 8:30, which is also sooner than usual, but today I slept until 12:30, haha! I needed that.
Last friday I finally ate normal food, yay! It was completely mashed, but it was normal food, so that’s something. Today I had soop, which was nice. I can also suck on chocolate so it melts and I drink a lot of milkshakes and smoothies. I can’t chew anything so I just got to drink everything and eat porridge, which I don’t really like. I also found crisps I can suck on, so I’m happy. The suck thing doesn’t sound very good, does it? Haha, anyway, I just wanted to tell you about it.
Long post. I think that’s about it, I’ve told you everything that’s important. I hope I am able to go to school fast and I really hope the swelling will go away, same with the anesthesia, so I can enjoy my new face, haha. If you have got any questions, please ask! I’m happy to answer them.